Sunday, 11 December 2011
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mum vs i
has been a long time eversince i fought with mum.
have always wanted to be a more "understanding" daughter ever since dad's condition. Knowing mum has to take care of him, i've always tried to accommodate to her expectation towards my behavior...
i believe the last time when i was really upset about mum and dad was last 2 year's Chinese New Year when i was literally broken. that few months was very quiet as i wasn't talking much to them both. But thanks to Eugene who reconciled us when he was back from Dubai for holiday.
i guess that was my last HUGE arguments with mum and dad...
just 2 days ago,
history repeated again.
I fought with mum alone this time.
all i wanted was just to make things clear between her and her sister.
honestly, with all due respect i don't want to see my mum having any grudges against any of her sister who is CLOSE to her (which is only one now)
I don't want to see her end up not being even at the state of saying HI to any of them.
So it has always been my concern that she can reconcile and forgive her other sisters... which is not my point.
so i was actually asking mum IF she would wanna maybe text Aunty Violet to let her know of my engagement. or maybe casually tell her on the phone about my engagement. Cause just a few days ago as i was speaking to Wei (who is Violet's daughter in law) she did mention that they felt a bit left out cause non of us told their family since we're known as the closest family among the sisters.
mum took it negatively...
She thinks i'm questioning her.
She thinks it's my fault for not giving her the actual wedding date yet so she can't tell anyone..
She thinks I AM SELFISH ABOUT MY WEDDING i insisted her to SMS the whole world without concerning about her situation at home having her full concentration towards dad and his condition.
need not i to say anything...
she just have to say these ugly words to break me...
all i wanted was to make her part of my wedding preparation.
I've been updating her about our new condo's status,
I've been sitting down with mum to talk and talk and talk about weddings, and who to invite from her side...
We have been bonding really closely...
i was happy,
Until...
" i think you're just being selfish trying to get the whole world know about your wedding that's why you're QUESTIONING mummy and forcing me to SMS Violet Yi without concerning about my situation!!!!"
you know..
i've tried.
it was just a simply question in our conversation that she took it so negatively and then,
i became the bad guy...
has been 2days since it happen,
now that i think about it,
i still feel the pain...
it hurts when mummy say that about me.
again, and again...
all i wanted was to be a better daughter and trying to be better now..
specially since i'm going to be a wife soon..
but all she can say is,
i am selfish.again,
my heart is broken.
again,
i became the world's most useless daughter.
again,
i felt like i'll never be good enough for her...
why
when i'm seeing the mist joyful moments coming about,
she has to making so sour..
Mummy,
i never meant to question you, nor force you...
my intention was clear.
i just don't want you to have any misunderstandings with Violet Yi.
i didn't know just by asking that one simple question will make you think negative about me.
WHY?
why would you think of me such way?
i am your daughter! i wouldn't want you to feel uneasy nor upset will i?
why do you blame me?
honestly...
why do you ALWAYS think of me in a negative way...
can't you see i was just having a conversation with you and was just asking a simply question with a curiosity tone?
you could have just answered me casually and i would understand!
in fact, I've already understand, i was just casually asking...
and...sigh
sometimes...
just sometimes...
i wonder where do i stand in mum's heart..
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