has been a long time eversince i fought with mum.
have always wanted to be a more "understanding" daughter ever since dad's condition. Knowing mum has to take care of him, i've always tried to accommodate to her expectation towards my behavior...

i believe the last time when i was really upset about mum and dad was last 2 year's Chinese New Year when i was literally broken. that few months was very quiet as i wasn't talking much to them both. But thanks to Eugene who reconciled us when he was back from Dubai for holiday.
i guess that was my last HUGE arguments with mum and dad...

just 2 days ago,
history repeated again.
I fought with mum alone this time.

all i wanted was just to make things clear between her and her sister.
honestly, with all due respect i don't want to see my mum having any grudges against any of her sister who is CLOSE to her (which is only one now)
I don't want to see her end up not being even at the state of saying HI to any of them.
So it has always been my concern that she can reconcile and forgive her other sisters... which is not my point.

so i was actually asking mum IF she would wanna maybe text Aunty Violet to let her know of my engagement. or maybe casually tell her on the phone about my engagement. Cause just a few days ago as i was speaking to Wei (who is Violet's daughter in law) she did mention that they felt a bit left out cause non of us told their family since we're known as the closest family among the sisters.

mum took it negatively...
She thinks i'm questioning her.
She thinks it's my fault for not giving her the actual wedding date yet so she can't tell anyone..
She thinks I AM SELFISH ABOUT MY WEDDING i insisted her to SMS the whole world without concerning about her situation at home having her full concentration towards dad and his condition.

need not i to say anything...
she just have to say these ugly words to break me...

all i wanted was to make her part of my wedding preparation.
I've been updating her about our new condo's status,
I've been sitting down with mum to talk and talk and talk about weddings, and who to invite from her side...
We have been bonding really closely...
i was happy,
Until...

" i think you're just being selfish trying to get the whole world know about your wedding that's why you're QUESTIONING mummy and forcing me to SMS Violet Yi without concerning about my situation!!!!"

you know..
i've tried.
it was just a simply question in our conversation that she took it so negatively and then,
i became the bad guy...

has been 2days since it happen,
now that i think about it,
i still feel the pain...
it hurts when mummy say that about me.

again, and again...


all i wanted was to be a better daughter and trying to be better now..
specially since i'm going to be a wife soon..


but all she can say is,

i am selfish.

again,
my heart is broken.
again,
i became the world's most useless daughter.
again,
i felt like i'll never be good enough for her...



why



when i'm seeing the mist joyful moments coming about,
she has to making so sour..

Mummy,
i never meant to question you, nor force you...
my intention was clear.
i just don't want you to have any misunderstandings with Violet Yi.
i didn't know just by asking that one simple question will make you think negative about me.

WHY?

why would you think of me such way?
i am your daughter! i wouldn't want you to feel uneasy nor upset will i?
why do you blame me?
honestly...
why do you ALWAYS think of me in a negative way...
can't you see i was just having a conversation with you and was just asking a simply question with a curiosity tone?
you could have  just answered me casually and i would understand!
in fact, I've already understand, i was just casually asking...
and...

sigh

sometimes...
just sometimes...

i wonder where do i stand in mum's heart.. 

was busying with mum and dad in and out of the hospital.

Dad was diagnose with.... the-doctor-don't-know-what-to-name-it sickness..

When dad started his retirement on July last year, dad's memory has became bad to worst.
it all begins when he forgets directions,
then he forgets faces,
then he forgets events,
then he forgets how to go home,
and then... he starts to forgets everything within 2mins.
it's like his memory refreshes every 2mins, and he wouldn't remember what has happen just 2 mins ago.

within a year,
Dad has changed to be a stranger to me. 

today,
my military dad who has always been treating home like his camp of soldier has turn to someone who can't take loud speech.

he don't speak much anymore, he became quiet
he don't watch TV anymore, he'll stare at a corner long enough until he falls asleep
he don't ask me hows my day anymore, he'll just smile and ask "Michelle?you're back?"
he don't scold me anymore,
he don't eat much anymore,
he don't wanna go out of the house anymore

these days, dad sleeps a lot, and he often gets tired very fast...
last year and beginning of this year, we have been sending dad to the hospital so often, 
i almost became the mayor of University Hospital in foursquare  
mum and i was tired, but we wanted to find out more about dad's condition.

but after several brain CT scan
and a 2nd opinion from another privet hospital,
after spending close to RM6000 for dad's medical condition,
the doctors still can not tell what's dad's condition.

no medication as they don't know what's wrong with dad.
no treatment cause they don't know how to treat dad 

and finally, they came to a verdict to give dad Steroid to treat dad's head condition.
in condition that there will be side effects after partaking steroid...
one of it, the slow immune system

after several discussion,
mum decided not to allow dad to go through that treatment, and believe that God will be there for us,
and He will heal dad..
i was abit skeptical in the beginning. of cause, comparing my faith to mum's...
i would have sent dad to get that steroid treatment.

But,
mum made it very clear that she is not gonna put dad in the position where he has to go through so much pain let alone low immune system.
i stood by mum and her decision and learn to believe that God will someday heal dad...

today,
we're still believing for healing to take place upon dad someday.
i don't wanna have doubts towards God's healing power,
all i wanna do is just to believe..
i know God will not hold this forever.
He will heal dad someday

these days,
everynight when i reach home,
Dad will be on bed sleeping already.
i hardly speak much to dad anymore..
cause i know he wouldn't understand 80% of what i say.
but i do take time to spend with him during weekends. Just to talk about simple topic like..
"What have you been doing?!how come so handsome already?!"
and dad would laugh and it'll make him smile and laugh sometimes. 
"daddy..why you no smile wan??why you so like that?"
and dad would laugh at my broken English and correct me..
"daddy!! don't fart so loud in the house!! you're breaking the floor tiles!" (actually i was the one farted)
and dad would innocently deny that he farted and try to hit me cause he knows i was making fun of him..

so this is how i actually communicate with dad...
not about my work,
not about my relationship,
not about my car,
not about my finances,
not even about buying property.

it was as simple as..
"daddy, why you s hemsem nao!?" 

anything that he understands and makes him laugh...

how's i coping?
how's mum coping?

will tell you more.

gotta get some work done now..